GASLIGHTING 101: "Women pick the wrong men"
No... women in a Patriarchy are socialised and groomed into believing that oppression thus abuse is love!
The gaslighting narrative of women "picking the wrong men" needs to be called out for the exploitative and abusive victim shaming narrative that it is.
Because the reality is women living in a patriarchy are groomed and socialised into believing that oppression thus abuse from men is love.
At the same time, the oppressive and exploitative behaviours of men in this dynamic have been socialised and normalised, which is then upheld within the deepest depths of our subconscious minds and plays out unconsciously in our relationships.
Men in a patriarchy are socialised and groomed to take advantage of and exploit this dynamic - AND THEY DO and have done FOR MILLENIA!
Let's break it down...
What women seek in men and how, is heavily influenced by the way they are socialised living in a patriarchy.
The socialisation process begins in early childhood, with ages 0-8 being critical years for ensuring healthy emotional and cognitive development, as during this time we form our ego/ self-identity - the blueprint for how we see ourselves and our value in the world and in relationships.
The 'agents of socialisation' are the family and social systems (education, religion, media etc.) that we interact with. The ways we are loved and nurtured by these systems becomes the blueprint for what we tolerate from others and the world.
For women, the way our fathers and men across these systems love and nurture us, our mothers, and other women, becomes the blueprint for the ways we tolerate and relate to men.
Due to patriarchy, society has undergone many millennia of being socialised and groomed into the normative gender binary roles of “man” and “woman”, and the oppressive social construct of the male/masculine being supreme to the female/feminine.
This construct, which is the very definition of patriarchy, is the first lesson a woman receives about her lack of worth compared to a man’s during the socialisation process.
Women are then perpetually taught across these systems via a mix of covert and overt ways, how men are more dominant, superior, and capable, meaning a man’s knowledge, wisdom, and ability to make decisions and judgements are superior to hers.
Women are also taught how being subservient to the man, means his needs are more important, and that she exists in his life to meet whatever needs uphold his superiority and dominance.
Under this pervasive systemic power and control dynamic, society has been deeply conditioned to accept men as those granted with the social power to validate and deem what’s appropriate, acceptable, or worthy when it comes to what serves their dominance – including and especially when it comes to women as romantic partners.
Because what we're talking about is systemic oppression, which is about dominance, power, and control - we need to be clear what this is really about, is the oppressed individual complying in order to ensure their safety and/or survival.
Therefore, in this gender-based oppression dynamic, this is merely about a woman's ability to enable, serve and uphold a man’s dominance and superiority over her.
This whole grooming process is what leads to a woman's worthiness of being "picked" as a romantic partner by a man, versus her inherent worth and value as a whole and complete sentient human being.
This is also how patriarchy has dictated the appearance, beauty, behavioural and femininity standards of women, all of which becomes part of this wider culture of grooming the attractiveness and acceptability standards that women must perform and adhere to, to be "picked".
It is also how and why women are sexually objectified. Patriarchy sets the standard for a woman's sexuality and sexual expression as part of this wider system of psychological terrorism and oppression.
All are tactics of dehumanisation, whereby a woman is reduced to an object of a man’s desire which she must conform to, to be "picked".
This very carefully socially engineered power and control dynamic is what socialises and normalises men into having complete social and cultural power and control over women in both covert and overt ways.
In this dynamic, should the woman not conform and behave in whatever ways maintains the male’s dominance and superiority, and/ or what he validates and deems as appropriate, acceptable, or worthy – she does not get "picked".
In addition, women are also fed several other narratives through media and society that manipulate them into rushing, settling, or working towards being "picked" by a man.
Narratives such as the value of a woman lies in her youth, hence the obsession with appearing younger - despite this being rooted in pedophilia culture. Narratives about her fertility/body clock despite the data of that research being 300 years old, and newer research which debunks this goes on ignored.
All of this leads to the internalised patriarchy, sexism, and misogyny we see within women, who as a result go on to fully participate in this dynamic, and therefore perpetuate their own and each other’s oppression - hence the "pick me" phenomena.
The gaslighting comes when we project this onto women as “picking the wrong men” versus highlighting the wider abuse women are being subjected to on a macro and micro scale because of the patriarchal paradigm and systems she is socialised and exists in.
The outcome of this, varies from the all-too-common anxious attachments styles we see in women, in addition to other trauma responses such as over-pleasing, over-extending, chasing, and trying to change and mould themselves into an object of man’s desire.
This matrix of emotional and psychological conditioning and manipulation puts women in the vulnerable position of having to navigate this matrix of oppression, to find a partner who does not take advantage of her, and the privilege he is afforded because of these social constructs and dynamics.
Whilst we would like to believe this isn't real and isn't happening - the statistics of male violence against women, along with the voices and experiences of all women globally tell us otherwise.